I’ve thought this for quite some time now. I have refrained from writing about this subject knowing that it will probably negatively impact my love life, and I kind of need all the help I can get right now. However, after what I heard this past Friday night, I feel as though I just got to get this off my chest!
Friday night- I’m sitting at the bar alone. (I had friends coming, don’t judge) I notice an annoying girl to the left of me talking and I realize she is on a first date. Score! I was a little annoyed that she had a squeaky voice until I heard him speak. “My mother and father are divorced because he’s an alcoholic.” I lost it and began to do that silent laugh unsure of where to look because you don’t want anyone to know what you’re laughing at. He then proceeds to tell her about the reasons his father drinks and how it makes him feel. I am now gazing around the bar desperately wishing someone is catching onto what I am laughing at. Then I guess she able to get a word in and said something about her job and he mentioned blood. He says; “I’m in martial arts so I see blood a lot, but I can’t imagine seeing it like you do.” Classic pat myself on the back, I have a big dick, while giving her a compliment, in order to keep his awesomeness engaged in the conversation.
What am I trying to portray here? When did men become such blood-sucking creatures? Why is a grown man hung up on his parent’s divorce and his father being an alcoholic? Ok, maybe I’m being harsh. How about, is it ok to say; “Hi my name is, my parents are divorced and my dad is an alcoholic”?
Now you all know that I now have to share personal experiences to get my point across…
Every guy I date says the same thing! “I never met someone like you before” and “You’re so confusing. You’re not like other girls” I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck they are talking about forever. I ask them and I get ridiculous responses that make no sense what so ever. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it’s because they all lost their penises at some point between the ages of 12 and now. Why is it first date etiquette to tell your whole life story? Better yet, why does it have to be 3rd, 4th, or even 6-month date etiquette? I don’t tell you much because clearly you have demonstrated to me that you are a pussy. So instead of me getting upset when you can’t deal with my problems, I just deal with them myself. It’s not my fault that I have balls and yours are all shriveled up.
The only thing that I can remember about all of the guys I’ve dated is that they have all complained about their lives to me during our entire two-week relationship. The sad part is that I let them, gave them encouragement, and then they dumped me! Few examples…
Incoming text “I’m so tired. I work all of the time.” (Not too bad, I know. But every day, same text) I’m laying in my bed, haven’t showered in 5 days because I just got fired for something I shouldn’t have gotten fired for. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a nurse practitioner now, pay my mortgage, and I miss the shit out of the people I work with. What’s wrong with the last part of that sentence? I’m dysfunctional. Why, probably because of underlying issues that I should seek out therapy for. I respond to the text. “That sucks. Stay positive. Just think how much money you will have!” All while I’m wondering if that smell is really coming from under my covers. FYI, every guy is guilty of this!
During a period of my life when I was afraid to drive my car in fear that I would hit a little black boy, because that’s the only thing left on my fuck you Leah bucket list, I heard about a goddamn deck not being built every other day. (Sorry dude. Don’t get mad. Shit we weren’t even really dating. But I had to use this as an example) I guess some can argue that it’s partly my fault because I don’t speak up. I don’t know, what’s that term again? Bigger fish to fry? Poor innocent girls getting their clitorises snipped in Africa?
One guy dumped me after a wedding because “I embarrassed him in front of his friends” I played the rich girlfriend role all night and danced the fucking fox trot. I smiled as they all judged me because I was only a nurse, and I think I even bowed my head to the bride. I think I went wrong when I danced to Lady Gaga once. Oh and I might have asked them why the fuck they were all married at age 21. He has no idea what I am capable of and what I can do to embarrass him and myself!
One guy called me up because he had a rash on his lower abdomen. Ummmm. Yea, there was a pretty long pause after that. He was nice about it. Told me he was just freaking out and kind of also wanted my medical opinion. In my medical opinion, did I miss the thing between his legs and think it was on his stomach? He couldn’t suck it the fuck up and investigate the situation without making me feel like a dirty whore? Ya know what, I’m not going to even get into this…Just going to ask this question. What would happen if a girl called a guy asking him the same thing?
My first date line to this one guy; “I have a clean pap.” I mean that’s fucking funny. That’s something about myself, right? Needless to say, we got bombed. I called my friends at work that night to bring me in scrubs. That morning I wore his extra large scrubs and drove to work. As I pull in, I realize that I don’t have my phone and the only thing I have to wear on my feet are black heals. Plan A to call my friends and tell them to bring my clothes to me not an option. Plan B, run into work, jump on the chair covering my feet so no one can see that I’m shoeless and ask the closest person to run for help. Second problem…how am I getting my phone back? Third problem, I don’t remember his name, (In my defense, I blocked it out because it was a weird name) and clearly don’t remember his number. After looking up my phone bill for his number, I call him from an unknown number and shout Hey! (Couldn’t say his name in case anyone forgot) His 3-minute pause and wondering how fucking crazy I really am was priceless. I laughed in his ear forever before being able to catch my breath, making him quite confused. He never found out that I forgot his name. We actually dated for a while which consisted of getting drunk once a week together. I’m sure you are wondering why he is a pussy. He dumped me a while after because he was going to the shore every weekend with his friends. I kind of wanted to go one time and that’s when he said I was moving too fast and that I wanted a relationship. Where between clean pap, that amazing first date, and getting drunk every week did I sound like I wanted a relationship? He’s a pussy for not telling me he was banging a 21 year old who he liked more than me.
Or maybe this is my problem…